Update: Therapy

Near the end of my therapy session last week, she and I began discussing the subject of judgement and that I am in a near constant state of feeling judged by others.

"It's possible that there is some shame associated with your perspective." She paused and then she said "Regret is thinking poorly about our decisions. Shame is thinking poorly about ourselves."

My throat clenched and my eyes began to sting. I wasn't sure why but that word "shame" hit me in such a way I wanted to leave. Thankfully it was the end of the session.

"It's ok." she said. "We'll work on it."

*****

Shame. Until she defined it that way, I never thought much about it. In fact, being ashamed of myself never occurred to me. Regret, yes, many times. But shame? That definition cut deep and my physical response was surprising. Where did that come from? Maybe I just never truly understood the definition? And how did that play into my feelings of being judged by others?

I let the thoughts ruminate overnight. By morning I had my answer. She and I were not a fit after all and I suppose I felt it from the start. I immediately emailed her, thanked her for what I had learned so far, and told her I would be cancelling my next appointment. Severe? Perhaps. But her methods, no doubt effective for other clients, felt judgmental and place-putting to me. Like a child being told they had done something wrong, knowing they hadn't, and losing the power of speech to defend themselves. I felt that, deeply. And even though she assured me that she was not there to judge, only observe and guide, at the end of the day she's human and we all come to any situation with filters that dictate how we see a situation. Was I being over-anxious and reading more into our time together than was actually there? Or was it my "shame" that was at play? All I was certain of was that I felt offended/nervous/unsettled during three separate instances together and that was enough for me to pull the plug on future sessions.  

The First: She took notes during our sessions. At first I thought it was just the start up paperwork but by week two, I could see that it was her procedure. I have had the privilege of working with two exceptional therapists, neither of which took notes. They listened. They responded. They offered guidance and food for thought. This felt like an interview that I would regret having given once it was published. Plus it was unsettling to witness what sparked her interest as noteworthy. Which brings me to my second flag.

The Second: I used the word "addiction" in what was to me just a turn of phrase but she jumped to write it down. In the moment, I understood that it was her job to take note of certain words, but for me there's a catch. I'm a writer. And I'm from New Jersey. I'm going to use words with a bit of drama and sarcasm. If I have to watch each and every word that comes out of my mouth, then I'm not going to be authentic. I need a therapist who understands when I'm being truthful and when I'm just adding some flair. It may take me some time to find that person now that I live in Western Massachusetts far from a major city where sarcasm is a second language, but I need that person, so the search will have to continue. 

The Last: On this subject of shame. It wasn't so much that she brought it up but that she brought it up at a specific point in our conversation. A point I hesitated to tell her about in the first place for fear of judgement. And it was the tone in which she used it. I was surprised by what I observed. I couldn't help but feel her personal feelings towards me shown on her face. I appeared to have hit a nerve. I said something that not only offended her but that may have been personal. And she brought out the big guns by discussing shame. I immediately felt regret for telling her. For sharing too much. For exposing myself. How can I take back what I said? How can I rephrase what comes next to redirect the conversation? How can I get out of this? 

I was never going to feel comfortable with her because what I felt wasn't shame, it was the feeling of being shamed. That's a rather large difference. And unfortunately, in hindsight, I had felt it from the start.

She replied that she understood, that not all therapist/client relationships work, she wished me well. I felt relieved that it was over. $100 a week for 50 minutes of feeling judged and offended? No thank you. Certainly not when I can call my mother for free.