Social Media

I've struggled for a week to write this post. I have too much to say on the subject and it's all swirling around in my head like some frustration-driven selfie soup. Do I lay it out like a story? Like a research paper? Like a rant? I agree. Rant it is.

Social media is the first thing I reach for in the morning and the last thing I check at night, with far too many looks in between. I am compelled by some Pavlovian response to open them and scroll hours of my life away. But I don't want to talk about time wasted or even the implications that "while we are more in touch, we are less connected". I don't want to talk about the effects of social media on self esteem or the idea that followers are only presented with the sunny side of things, glossy and filtered, and as a result feel badly about themselves for not living the same seemingly endless party-of-a-life. No, I want to talk about what doesn't get posted and why the viewing audience seems to want more of that. 

I post it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly of my life. From just discovering that my book is being sold worldwide to my dog having terminal cancer, I throw it all on social media with a pic to prove it. Why? Because it's a record of my life and I have to put it somewhere, may as well be someplace I'm not paying for storage. But go ahead and call me an over-sharer. Accuse me of being inappropriate by posting private moments and thoughts. Mock me for showing off. The filters you view my world from are yours and they have nothing to do with me. Besides, you couldn't be more wrong with my motivations. 

If I post something positive, it is NEVER to say "oh, look at me, I'm so fantastic and successful and beautiful." First off, I'd have to believe any of those things - which I don't and that's a post for another day. Secondly, that's just not my nature. If I post something good it's because, well, when you have something good going on, don't you want to share it with the people around you? Maybe I didn't get enough "Good Job!" growing up after running home from school with an A on an art project and so now I'm seeking it from the public at large - that's a conversation to have in therapy. But for this, I post those topics because I want you to share in my happiness, excitement, what have you, because I WANT YOU TO HAVE SOME! I want you to be happy and excited too that good things can and do happen. It's heartwarming for all of us to cheer each other on during good times. What's the saying? "A rising tide, lifts all boats." So it's not to present myself as superior and it's certainly not to make anyone feel badly about themselves. I honestly don't have time for anything closely related to that motivation. I've got enough esteem issues of my own, thank you very much.

Now, if I post something negative, it is NEVER for pity. It is only ever about commiserating. Obviously, posting that my dog has cancer is devastating and I know many of you have experienced the same so our shared experience makes us closer. Isn't that what this experiment called social media is all about? To connect us? Also, if I post photos of my dog living her best life, how can I not also show her at her worst. Doesn't that just feed into the whole dynamic of only showing the perfectly pretty pictures? I'm not here to give you just the sparkly version of my life. That's not life. Life has a balance of good and bad and I'm more than willing to share both.

But even though everything I share is real, I don't share everything which got me thinking... should I post ALL of it? Should I post the fact that for every photo of me, there are dozens in the delete folder put there out of fear that people will see I'm clinically obese. Or the fact that when my anxiety is at its peak, I'll stay in the house for days, unshowered, ordering in garbage-filled food, avoiding mirrors. Or that a year ago I was diagnosed with diabetes which is self-inflicted due to my cycles of anxiety and food. Or how I'm angry about conversations I've had with people from decades ago. Or how I wish I had had the strength as a child to stand up for myself instead now am paying the price emotionally. Or that on most days I think I'm repulsive and talentless and stupid; do people want to see that too? Will it make them feel better about themselves in comparison? Should I post it all or can I stick to giving the social media-verse what's safe for consumption?

It's not about being private - I'm an open book kind of person. I feel deeply, I love deeply, I hurt deeply. What stops me is that sharing my demons is abusive to me and I'm in enough pain as it is. Plus airing my wounds just seems a little too "look at me" for all the wrong reasons. What would anyone gain from it? No, there are some things better left to my insomnia-filled nights inside my overactive brain. 

This is all to say that there will always be people who question what you post and the motives behind them. They are the same people who will tell you your smile looks fake while they toss in "I already know everything about you because you're constantly posting." Whether they think you are showing off or seeking attention or hiding the full story or pretending to be someone you're not... that's not your concern. You are not force feeding them your content. They have every opportunity to just scroll past if it bothers them. You just keep posting your story in your way with your frequency and your motivations. And I'll keep loving them and thanking you for sharing.