It's been nearly two years since I sat down to this computer to write on my blog - this little piece of me where I asked my questions of the universe, vented about those things that struck a nerve, smiled as I wrote about situations that gave me hope.
I left to write my book. You may recall my saying that I'm all good beginnings. Well, I still am... good at beginnings. I did start. And that's where it ended. It turned out that the two years in question were filled with many more events which took up my time and attention. And once again, I put aside my dream of writing.
My life took turns I didn't anticipate - some that were painful, others blissful. I realize now that the last two years were providing fuel for a collection of books with themes ranging from mid-life epiphanies and demise of marriages, to stumbling upon your soulmate at the wrong time. When I finally do get back to writing, I won't lack for material.
I've learned a great deal about myself during this time, not the least of which is that I need a lot more work to become the person I aspire to be. I've learned that I carry more baggage from my past, my childhood specifically, than I could have thought possible. I've learned that I am capable of change and growth and forward motion and that I'm not so "set in stone" as I once touted being. And I've learned that that gnawing in my gut for the better part of my life was the real me wanting more of the spotlight than the persona of me I created to please others. It's been a big two years.
I started therapy.
I accepted the painful truth that my marriage had been on life-support for years.
I separated from my husband just shy of our 18th wedding anniversary.
I started a new career after over a decade of being an at-home mom.
And I fell hard and fast for a truly amazing man but ultimately ruined the relationship by not taking the time I needed for myself to shake off my past.
I know now that what you put out into the cosmos, you receive back. The gardener would say "you reap what you sow". I had been putting out anger and fear and insecurity and I was receiving the same in kind. Now, I try desperately to view life from the positive. And when I'm in the zone, oh my, my life is wonderful and I can feel myself shine. But all too often, the old negativities creep in and take hold and more times than I wish to admit, I am powerless to them. It's not an excuse, just a reason to work harder at being better. That's what this was after all... Blogging To A Better Bonnie.
I've decided to come back to this blog. Stretch my writing muscle, as it were. The books will have to wait. I have much too much going on in my life right now: single motherhood, 100% of the responsibilities of house and home, the learning curve early days of a new career. And just as important if not more so, the time and work that must go into my personal improvements. For every step forward I make in my internal development, I discover more that needs work. But I remain committed to any change that improves me. And I think writing here again is a step in the right direction.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to write again. I've missed it. It is a part of me that yearns to be heard. I won't deny her anymore. She's back! :-)