Sunday, March 18, 2012

One Step Forward & Two Steps Back

You know how the saying goes... One step forward and two steps back. It's about not only not getting ahead, but getting farther behind.

This little two step has brought me so far away from my final destination that I've almost forgotten where I was going.

Ah yes, I remember now. I was going to that place where I am comfortable with who I am, inside and out. That place where no judgement or ridicule, or even the assumption of judgement or ridicule, will make me feel insecure. That place where I am confident and self possessed and ....

... well, it doesn't matter anyway because I've lost sight of it.

Am I really that fragile? Am I really that weak? A too tight pair of pants and a bad hair day and I'm climbing back in the bed with the covers over my head. Is that what I've become? Is that the example I'm setting for my daughter?

But it is more than that. I'm not all vanity and appearance driven - a good amount, but not all. At 45, there are certain things I had once thought I would have accomplished by now. Things I have barely started let alone finished. So many people around me have chased down and captured their dreams and while I am truly proud and happy for them, I can't help but feel that their successes cast a bit of a spotlight on my shortcomings.

And at this point in my life, am I allowed to chase after dreams? Dreams that may not come true? In directions that may take me away from my family responsibilities? Isn't it my daughter's time now? Shouldn't I be helping her make her dreams come true?

So is this even worth pondering?

That little two step I mentioned earlier... the first step is for not ultimately getting where I was going and the second is for feeling so pathetic about it. It's making a mistake AND not learning from it. And with each little dance it gets harder to muster the strength to tell myself "it's fine; where you are is fine". And it is fine, fantastic in fact, but truthfully, not always fulfilling.

And there it is.
I want more and I don't think I'm going to get it and that makes me feel disappointed.
I want more but I don't think it's fair, when I have so much, to be unsatisfied and that makes me feel ungrateful.
I want more but if I get it, will it be enough, and is it really what I need.
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What I think I need right now, is some sleep because even I don't know where this is going anymore. Suffice to say, I have some thinking to do. I'll keep you posted.
Goodnight, All.


2 comments:

  1. Best of luck chasing your dream, jumping onto its back and pinning down to enjoy it! I'm still searching for my dreams, too. And always left feeling less than around others who have seemed to have achieved more than I have. Keep in mind the sacrifices those people who "have it all" have made to get to where they are. Make sure your sacrifice doesn't cause you to sacrifice who you are along the way to your dreams.

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  2. I would not have chosen another path, I could not have either. I know that. This is where I need to be to get where I'm going. As roundabout as it may be ;-)

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