Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
- be with you and love you forever (forgive the sappiness; it was our honeymoon after all)
- raise children who are intelligent, open-minded, and compassionate (I think I may just have)
- raise children who are never deprived of anything but know the value of money (check)
- raise children with a strong sense of family as well as individuality (check)
- become a master chef (well, there's still time)
- rediscover my talent for the piano (eh, this one may have passed for me)
- cultivate my talent for musical theatre (still to come)
- cultivate my new found talents for party planning (I do throw a mean kids birthday party)
- own a house on Nantucket (if I ever win the lottery, it is #1)
- travel to the pyramids of Egypt (still on the list)
- take a tour of European castles; sleep in the ones that are haunted (still on the list)
- travel to the Philippines to learn more about my background (still on the list)
- learn to sew (still on the list; this is getting scary)
- learn to refinish antique furniture (maybe)
- learn how to appraise fine antique furniture, silver, and china (eh, not that important)
- maintain strong and long-lasting relationships with the friends I have now (for the most part, a definite yes, plus I have been lucky enough to find new friends along the way)
- live simply, yet elegantly (everyday)
- entertain often (as often as the calendar and my energy level will allow)
- do charity work (check)
- give generously to charity (as much as I can)
- teach my children to do the same (check)
- join a women's garden club (that one was very 'just married, junior league' of me; I don't need that one anymore)
- tell you everyday that you are loved (aww)
- make you feel everyday that you are loved (aww again)
- grow old with you (well, we are certainly on our way ;-) )
Saturday, March 24, 2012
- Now, my house is in order. It is also 'mini' decorated for Easter which means just a select few key items accessorize the house.
- The bills are scheduled for payment, as are ecards with notes explaining that gifts will be forthcoming from our vacation spot.
- Taxes have been filed (I hated owing money right before a trip, but what can you do).
- And I have put off until tomorrow, the task of collecting all necessary items to pack, though I did set aside the Easter decorations and baskets and plastic eggs for the hunt.
- The schedule has been reorganized to include working out everyday, in addition to all my daughter's after school activities as well as in school events. True I won't be able to get to the gym past Tuesday, but I WILL work out at home. I even managed to find time to schedule an oil change for the car we are taking. Sadly, I had to cancel three coffee dates with friends (that I really could have benefitted from) but I will make it up to them when we get back.
- Monday morning I got the life changing news.
- Monday evening I was taking my first kickboxing class.
- After which, I signed up.
- And I have been there everyday. EVERY DAY!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
- write a book
- be successful enough to write a second
- take an extended UK castle tour; if they're haunted all the better
- travel to the pyramids of Egypt; make a discovery
- travel to Iceland; soak in a geothermal pool
- live on Nantucket for at least a month; write my memoirs
- own a vacation home near water; read
- learn to sew; design and make my own clothes
- learn to ski; ski in Switzerland
- relearn how to play mah jongg; play with my aunts in the Philippines
- own a small retail business; be closed Tuesdays
- make considerable donations to charities and causes I feel strongly about; have the family name on at least one brass plaque in one professional arts center
- do more than my part to clean the ocean; never stop
- retire to a doorman building in a major city; if the doorman's name is Johnnie all the better; he should call me Mrs. T
- make sure my husband keeps his dream of owning a sailboat and sailing all of the Atlantic
- make sure my daughter has every possible tool for her success in all aspects of her life
- love my life with no regrets
Monday, March 5, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
2. PAIN & GUILT As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
5. THE UPWARD TURN As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
For me, I felt a strong responsibility to my daughter and husband to see that they were dealing with their pain in a healthy manner, before allowing myself to do the same. Call it mothering, call it control freak, call it what you will, but I had been the driver in this decision to put our furry kid to rest and it would be on my watch to see that everyone came out on the other side in one piece. When I saw that they were handling themselves beautifully, I took that as a sign that I could breakdown. And breakdown I did.
I passed over #1 and spent the better part of the week mired in #2. "If I had known Saturday was going to be the day, I would have given her a steak dinner on Friday night." were the kind of errant thoughts that passed through my body. For the first time in my life, I experienced true guilt. I had essentially killed my dog without so much as a bagel for breakfast. I was consumed for days with these ideas until I just said "no more".
I passed over #3 and seem to take #4-#6 as a combo. My sadness was tempered by a compulsion to create a collection of photos of her 13 years with us. Seeing all that she did, the vacations we took, the people she meet, the lives she touched, showed clearly through a timeline of pictures that her short life was indeed full.
I am currently in stage 7. I plan to be here for awhile. More than likely, longer than I need to. Each day is in fact, a bit easier. Each time I remember her, I am no longer brought to tears. Instead, I catch my breathe a little and let the pang of sadness pass through me instead of wash over me. I believe that is growth. And I will take it... one day at a time.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Today was the day.