Sunday, November 13, 2011

I'm Very Close To Losing It

I am beyond angry. I am "I want to inflict bodily harm on someone" angry. I'm stressed and tense and aggravated and I want to scream! And on top of everything that has put me in this mood, is the realization that in all this time I've been "blogging to a better" me, I've gone absolutely no where. I'm still the same emotional, scarred, quick to anger person underneath the well mannered facade.

I have never yelled at my daughter. I have been disappointed, I have been stern, I have scolded, I have corrected, but I have never yelled.

Tonight I came close. Because she was being a kid and I'm in a foul mood. What the Hell kind of mother does that make me? Well I'm certain to find out one day when I'm paying for my daughter's psych appointments.

I still haven't yelled at her, but it's as close to the real thing as she's ever seen. And I'm sure I've done damage. I don't even know how to back pedal at this point. I'm sure I would only make it worse.

And why am I taking this out on her anyway, when those people who have truly pissed me off go about their petty little lives not even knowing how self absorbed and shallow they are?

What kind of mother displaces her anger and directs it at her only child? That's an easy one... a lousy mother.

And what kind of person wishes misery on their enemies? That's right. Misery. Not earth shattering, life ending tragedies. Just your run of the mill "life sucks". I want their lives to be filled with bad, irksome, endless dark cloud days. What kind of person does that make me? (Do I get points for saying something out loud that many would be too embarrassed to admit? No, I didn't think so.) OK. I'll tell you what kind of person it makes me... someone who needs to reassess their life.

I have to go now. I have much to think over. I'm still filled with rage over the events of the last few days. I'm still mad at myself for my behavior towards my daughter. I'm still reeling for the realization that I haven't grown at all. But I'm going to try to calm down enough to get to a place where I can get my life in order.

If I don't, I fear for the future.




3 comments:

  1. You've already placed your anger within your blog. If that makes sense. And you're not afraid to admit you feel badly because you got angry. We all do. Your daughter knows how much you love her. If you've already apologized, try to let it go.
    I am one of those people who wish certain people who have done me wrong to have equal amounts of wrong done back to them. Karma really does roll around their way. I've seen it. And was happy they got what was coming to them. And no, I don't feel badly for owning up to that.
    You're a good person, Bonnie. One bad day don't spoil the days to come.
    Hope you're feeling more relxed soon :)

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  2. Thank you, Wendy.
    You know what, I did "place my anger within my blog". I pulled it out, put it down, and left it there. A decent night's sleep and I was feeling far calmer.
    So, what have we learned here.... I'm still quick to react but my tirades don't last nearly as long as they once did.
    And as far as my daughter, we talked about it. And she knew even then that it was not about her. She's much smarter than I am ;-)

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