Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Spinning

I'm missing it.

I'm missing my favorite season. The leaves changing to golden hues, the slight chill in the air, the smell of frost in the morning. I'm missing it because I'm running through my life. I don't see the leaves as I'm driving with purpose to my next scheduled appointment. I don't feel the air since I go from house to car to place to car to home. I don't smell the season because even as I let the dog out in the morning, I'm doing as many chores as I can in the time it takes my 13 year arthritic canine to do her business. I'm not stopping to enjoy.

I've been running for months. Since school started and now that my daughter is at a different school, I'm commuting. Since work started and I'm back to standing for 3 hours on blacktop in the heat of midday. Since my cleaning lady broke her foot and has basically retired leaving me to do a little everyday since I never have more than an 1.5 hour window so it's never ending and never clean. Since my daughter has a full roster of after school activities all in different places and some days so do I. I feel most days, like I'm just spinning.

I wake up tired, a drink too much caffeine to stay awake, I don't have time to do anything I truly want to do, I'm not eating right, I'm not exercising, and I pass out at night, exhausted with lots of check marks on my to-do list, but many more items not accommplished.

And I've got bags under my eyes to prove it.

Somewhere on my journey I lost my way. Worst part now is, I don't remember where I was going.

So do I take this as an opportunity to make a new plan? Chart a new course? Forge a new path? Certainly sounds like knocking. But who is going to iron 2 weeks worth of clothes if I'm getting a manicure? Who is going to run the marathon errands while I'm crafting decorations for the holidays? Who is going to wait at home for the plumber and the exterminator and the AC guy while I'm off shopping?

Do I sound like a spoiled brat? Of course, I do. Am I willing to admit that the life I lead isn't much different than most? Yes. So what gives me the right to want more? Don't we ALL deserve more? Don't we all deserve a life we love and enjoy? I think that's an easy one.

I love my life when I take the time to think about all that I have to be grateful for. I enjoy moments of my life that seem to come in snippet form and I try to remember them for later. But I'm getting less and less of those moments and it's taking a toll on my ability to find the love. The pessimist in me is finding way to many opportunities to bitch.

There is no neat wrap up to these issues. I have no witty anecdote to end this stream of complaining. I'm too tired. I'm surrounded by laundry that needs to be folded, school papers that need my signature, and a to-do list that seems to be growing the more I check off.

I need a break. But I'm not getting one. So I just have to keep going.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

To Be Or Not To Be, That Is Indeed The Question

This week, I sat down to write at three different moments of irritation and rage, only to find myself questioning why I had let myself get this far. And somehow, still a mystery to me, I was able to defuse the issue before I wrote anything down.

Huh? Interesting.

But my anger has always been the fire to my literary flame. Without it, my prose are less "emotion-filled tirade" and more, well... what?

If the quest of this blog was to become a better me and to become a better me I have to find some inner peace then writing about what enflames me goes against the point.

Wait! Did I just have an epiphany?!

I'm at a crossroads. A fork in the road. A "to be or not to be" moment.

It's taken me two years to realize "this". I must have just turned a corner. I think that's called growth.

Would you look at that? Not bad, Bonnie ;-)

But now what do I do?....