Sunday, May 1, 2011

I Have No Patience For Patience

I tried but I just can't find the time. And when I do have a bit of time, I can't muster the energy.

For what you ask? Why, for this little blog. This literary outlet that gives me, or should I say gave me, so much release from what ails me. Now I just keep my anger, frustrations, and general gripes with me, plaguing me, putting a kink in my neck. If only I had an outlet in which to express myself.

Wait... ugh. I'm back to where I started.
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Today, my family and I went to church. At various times during the mass, one has a chance to reflect and pray and I always use that time to ask God for one thing (when I'm not also asking for the winning lottery numbers) and that is PATIENCE.

I have never had a great deal of patience. Right at this very moment, I'm wishing I could type as fast as the words are popping into my head without having to go back to correct my spelling... see, I don't even have patience for myself. But this lack of patience is more than just some bratty response to wanting something "right now". It's yet another example of putting good out into the world and still getting sh*t on.

Let me explain myself more clearly with an example. I am never late. Never. The closest I come to late is being on time because I'm always early. Why? Because waiting is infuriating, and I don't want to put anyone else through what I can't stand myself. But why then am I always waiting for other people whom are late... and never apologize... or bother to correct this behavior in the future... or appreciate that they never have to wait for me!!! (deep breathe)

Is this my lack of patience or am I justified in my frustration?

Here's another example. If I ask for your help in accomplishing some task and your only excuse for not doing it is that you don't want to, don't expect to ask me to completely handle multiple tasks for you... without a second thought to what I feel like doing or not doing... within the same hour that you denied my request for assistance... for something that you can clearly handle on your own... and wonder why I'm looking at you like "what the Hell did you just say to me?" (deep breathe)

Again, is this my lack of patience or is this other's bad behavior?

I don't want to be miserable. Some people - those that drive me the most insane - seem to think I enjoy being upset. This could not be further from the truth. I want to be happy, I want to be calm, I want to be at peace. I also want not to deal with people who test my patience.

This may be a case of "you can't always get what you want".
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Well, it's been a long time since I've found some time to write. Usually this is the point where I feel I've gotten things off my chest and I feel freed of the burden. I guess I'm out of practice because I still feel like a raw nerve. More to work on. "Blogging to a Better Bonnie"? Not today.

Let me close with one final thought. Whenever I'm confronted with a situation that makes me upset - from sightly irked to furious - after the initial emotion, I think to myself, "How can I handle this? What inner strengths can I draw on to deal with this situation rationally and maturely? How can I improve?" And then, what bothers me further, is that the person on the other side of the equation is not at all concerned with their own character development. "This is your problem. Not mine." they seem to say. "No. No! Your actions caused my reaction!" That's right, isn't it? Can it be that I have this all wrong?

I'm so confused. Guess you can add that to the list of things plaguing me in this moment. Ugh.

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