Friday, October 29, 2010

Lost & Found

Well, maybe not lost. Perhaps misplaced is a better word. And not quite found. It's there, I just don't have it in my grasp.

What, you ask, am I talking about? Exactly!

Words. Words escape me these days. Here on this blog as well as in daily polite conversation. I've lost the thrust of the story, the line of questioning, the poetic prose (if indeed I ever had that), and the point. Where did it go?

I'm chalking it up to jumble brain. Yes, I just made that condition up, but you know what I mean. Too much going on, with regards to a variety of subjects, all with imminent or impending timelines, some painful while others joyous, all getting blended together in a confusion stew.

Days were that I used to take to this blog to sort things out. Now, I can't form a complete sentence much less a complete thought to help put into order the mess in my head.

I need a vacation. But, oh wait, I have one coming just a week away. A Caribbean cruise in fact. What better way to blow away the clouds of disconnect and uncertainty? No, not helping, only adding.

Chaos is not my friend. Disorder is my enemy. Loss of direction puts me at a standstill. And to add insult to injury, I've lost my words. Words that once saved me from the clutter of my mind. Words that now elude me.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Panic Attack

I'm having trouble breathing, my heart rate is rapid, and I can't relax my neck muscles. I think this may be a panic attack.

Of course, if it were, I'm sure I would not be able to type or think clearly enough to come up with things to type so I must just be having an adrenaline rush brought on by some, we'll call them "issues".

Our anniversary cruise is in 24 days. I've been planning for a year but apparently while I was planning the cruise and travel plans and how to pay for it (well, most of it) I neglected to notice some important points until now.

1) I haven't lost a pound. Not one stinkin' ounce. I've said it before but it bears repeating - I would make an excellent Eskimo. I store fat during times of trial, like a squirrel hoarding nuts for the winter. I'm not sure any of my clothes from the summer (yes, that season just a month ago) even fit now and I'm certainly not going to find shorts and t-shirts when the stores have Christmas decorations next to the Halloween candy already lining the aisles. I am in so much trouble. Let's add to the fact that this is my anniversary. I'd like to be in a photo or two to prove I was actually there. Oh boy, I will certainly be "there"; you won't be able to miss me.

2) I budgeted wrong. And this vacation which I promised myself would be paid in cash will be paid in a 50/50 split of cash/bank of daughter. How my 8 year old wound up with more money than me, I have no idea, but thank God. I'll pay her back with more interest than the bank, but still. It's a little humiliating. What I forgot in the mix was boarding the dog for over a week , spending money (I have no idea how I forgot that), oh, and the nearly $200 for an expedited passport renewal; which leads me to #3.

3) I just discovered (22 days left to check-in) that my husband's passport is expired. He is on his way into the city right now to be the first one in line at the federal passport office and beg, borrow, or steal what he needs to get it done. I have told him that nothing is more crucial that taking care of this situation TODAY. If he hits a roadblock, he is NOT to throw in the towel. He must stay and work it out. Just writing about this is giving me a stomachache.

So these are the top 3 reasons I'm in a panic. There are certainly more, but these are the ones pressing at the moment. Not really helping the whole weight-loss thing given that I am the complete opposite of the person who says "I'm so nervous that I can't eat. The weight is just falling off me." In fact, I've been thinking about breakfast almost the entire time I've been typing. Sick, I tell you. I am sick!

Endeavour of the Day:
1) NO CARBS! At least 1 mile walk (only 15 minutes with video; if I can't free up 15 minutes I am doing something very wrong).

2) Reassess finances to see if I can't pay my daughter back before Christmas. Guess that means everyone on our list (and my longtime blog friends will no doubt remember how long that list is from last year) will be getting homemade gifts.

3) Leave it in God's and the US Government's hands with regards to the passport. My husband just called while I was typing this (weird, huh?) and he is in the city. The office door reads appointment only and opens at 9am. The website said appointments accepted and opens at 8am.

This is not starting off well.

Monday, October 4, 2010


You know that face you make when you see or smell or hear about something disgusting? Well, get ready to make it.

My family and I (yes, I made them join me - though no one protested) consumed a ridiculously carb-loaded, fat-loaded, health-free diet yesterday. We started the day with bagels and cream cheese, had McDonald's burgers and fries for lunch (with soda or milkshakes), and rounded out the day with pizza. I can't believe that sometimes I actually wonder how I got to my current weight.

We did it without thought - a "gut" response. We were hungry, no one wanted to cook, there was very little in the house since I needed to go grocery shopping. But instead of going grocery shopping, we chose to leave the house not once, not twice, but three times to pick-up the caloric nightmares we ingested yesterday. God do we need help.

I take this on as my own. It is all my fault. My husband is weak when it comes to food and willing to "fly" if I "buy" so I should have been the one to direct him towards the farmer's market instead of fast food. And my daughter, well, how many kids are going to choose broccoli over bagels... if you've got one of those kids, just keep it to yourself.

It seems that once I'm on a positive upswing with regards to the choices I make with my food and that of my family, I lose steam and find myself dusting powdered sugar off my mouth. What is wrong with me?

Worst yet is that instead of giving me the kick in the pants I need to put me back on track, this post is making me hungry for the cold pizza still in the fridge. I've got issues. There is no question.

I read an AOL article this morning that said overeating will cost you over $250,000 in your lifetime (your shortened with health issues, lifetime). That's my vacation home right there. What am I doing? I'm teaching my daughter the bad eating habits that will last her a lifetime, I'm destroying any hope I have of losing weight, AND it's costing me my beach house.

I've got to make some changes and fast! Now, how to start?

Damn, I can't think on an empty stomach.