Sunday, September 26, 2010

I Missed My Anniversary!

Two days ago, on September 24th, marked the 1 year anniversary of my little blog... I should have felt this special occasion in my soul but I was too wrapped up with monthly cramps and whether or not my husband was going to make it home in one piece from his sailing trip.

Earlier in the week, while in the checkout line at Target, the movie "Julie & Julia" was on the $10 rack and I picked it up, but I put it back (my new self-imposed spending restrictions prevented me from the impulse buy). But it was this movie, seen in the middle of the day with a mommy friend from school, that sent me straight home to start writing my little blog. A smile is coming across my face with the thought of the happiness and emotional release this "public diary" has given me. Here's a quick year in review...

Eleven posts my first week. Whoa! Clearly, I had a lot of pent up need to purge my mind and stretch my writing muscle. To be fair, 3 of them where really more introductions from myself to the blogosphere but that's still a heavy week of blogging. One of my favorites, and it continues to be relevant today is "Disclaimer":

"Unless specifically noted by title - my daughter, my husband, my friend with insomnia - all individuals described are composites of many people with those same personalities traits. I have sought, and will continue to do so, to not single out any one person to be the driving force of my emotional rants. Luckily, I know so many people that piss me off on regular basis that it should be easy to find material from a collection of sources.
If in the course of reading my posts, you feel personally slighted, rest easy in the knowledge that you are not alone.
Thank you."

Week 2 brought about one of my most popular posts "If The Truth Shall Set Us Free, Why Do We Remain Tied To Our Facades". It was also the first blog post to earn me comments from people other than my friends AND my first unknown followers Nancy of f8hasit and Gavin of Insanity's Musings. It was a very exciting moment to know that not only are people reading your work, but enjoying it enough to comment and follow. That, and they're not just saying it to be nice because they know you.

As the weeks went on, I wrote with some regularity, averaging two times a week, some more, some less, depending on my need to vent or question or ponder. My list of followers grew from just my friends to virtual strangers that have become a sort of blogosphere family. Wendy of Say It With Poetry has been a constant supporter of not only my writing but of me. How strange and wonderful to have a friend you've never met but somehow understands where you're coming from.

I've used this blog to yell about injustice, wonder the why's of life, cry over my failings, revel in the joys of motherhood, complain about the neighbors, relive old memories, and write again. Oh, how I love to write again, especially when it doesn't have to be about anything at all; and let's be honest, sometimes it's an meaningless as you can get. But it's always entertaining for me, and I hope at the very least, my readers feel the same way.

A whole year. Amazing. I've enjoyed every minute of this. Have I accomplished any goals? "A woman seeking enlightenment, a bit of perfection, and the body she had in her mid-twenties." Well, when you put it that way, no, not really. But I have improved my writing, met some wonderful people, and learned a few things about myself, so it wasn't a complete loss. And hey, I'm already into year two of this blogging thing. There's still time ;-)

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Old Blue Eyes Said It Best

"Regrets. I've had a few. But then again, too few to mention."

I have always thought that regret was a wasted emotion. Once something has been done or said, it can't be undone or unsaid so why wallow in feeling bad about it - fix it. Be proactive about correcting whatever it is you feel you have done or said in error or in haste or in anger or, well, you get my point. It's been my opinion that too many people use regret as a way to make a bad situation worse and then pity themselves. Pity is another emotion on my waste-of-time list.

So why am I bringing this up? I recently sought the advice of a few friends (none of whom know each other) for a problem I was having. I was upset in the moment and without looking within for guidance, I took the, let's just call it "lazy" approach and asked others for help. I think I was ultimately looking for these woman to just listen and acknowledge, give me an outlet for my anger, maybe even commiserate. But for whatever reason, I happen to open up to women who could not understand my position, had never been in my shoes, offered counsel from not only a different perspective, but a different dimension. I was taken back.

Until this point in my 43 years, I have never met another woman who couldn't at least appreciate my point of view, much less one who couldn't fathom it. How is that possible? The concept still puts a "what?!" look on my face. Had I lumped all women together in one female stew thinking that we all ultimately abided by one set of rules? That doesn't sound like me. Had I not been associating with different women from different walks of life and different view points all along? That doesn't even sound possible. And if that is in fact true, how could I have asked the advice of 3 different people from different phases on my life, the same questions and gotten the same, absolutely counter-intuitive responses. Maybe it's me? Maybe I'm the odd one out? But if that's true, how did I get so far in life with this never having happened before? Here I am again with a big "what?!" on my face.

So back to the regrets. I now, without question, regret seeking out sounding boards for my urgent emotions instead of handling the situation personally. I regret perhaps trying to forge a deeper relationship with people I truly don't have connection with by opening up my life. And frankly I regret opening my mouth in the first place and not thinking it through. Now I have these women in my life that I am exposed to, that know me on a more intimate level, and I have gotten nothing back but... quizzical looks, judgements, and false concern. What?!

I've decided to take the position I should have in the first place and deal with this situation personally. I plan to tell these women that I was reactionary, that I should not have aired my "dirty laundry" to them, and that I am sorry for changing their perception of me and my life. I then will explain that it is my hope that our relationship go back to the way it was before this incident - a "let's pretend it never happened" do over.

Keep your fingers crossed that that works but let's face it, the saying "you don't get a second chase to make a first impression" applies on some level here. I opened up about something I should have kept to myself, to people who did not give me what I needed in return and I've forever changed the landscape of our relationships. I'd say this feeling in my stomach is regret.

"Regrets. I've had a few. But then again, too few to mention." True. But now that I have mentioned it to all of you, I regret doing that too ;-)

Thursday, September 9, 2010

What Have I Done

Have you ever made plans... scratch that... Initiated plans to do something with someone and then said to yourself, "Why did I do that?" And you spend the moments (maybe days) leading up to those plans a little sick to your stomach. Well, "HERE I AM!"

Today the kids have off from school in observance of Rosh Hashanah. We are not Jewish so without services to attend, it's a free day in the middle of the week.

Last week, I suggested to one of my daughter's friend's mothers that we take the girls shopping for school clothes. I remember that as the words were coming out of my mouth, I was thinking "I'd really rather it be just my daughter and I but I know this is a store this other mother enjoys and it might be fun for the girls. Besides, she's always asking me to do things and I only accept 50% of the time. She probably thinks I don't get out much. Better do something with her and then I can take a break for awhile." Whew! That's a lot to be thinking as you ask someone to go shopping for a few hours.

Let me back track a bit. I like this person. I consider us friends. But we have fundemental lifestyle differences that prevent us from being closer. The biggest one is she is "a more the merrier"person, and I prefer "one on one". I think the first waters down relationships and makes everything you share together broad and on the surface. I'll explain... if you have 8 people and you're ordering pizza, chances are you'll just go with cheese because everyone will be happy. On the other hand, if there are only 2 people, you may find there is a whole list of toppings you both enjoy and can share. When are you ever going to find 8 people to agree on a whole list of toppings equally? So, more people, less depth in the relationship. Kind of the way I feel about my list of facebook friends. I don't have many, but I talk to all of them. I don't understand people who have hundreds of people on their lists; you can't be "real" friends with that many people.

Now, in the past, I'll say, 9 months, I've seen a shift in the relationship between our daughters. My daughter, while friendly with everyone (and that's truth, not just her Mommy here bragging that she's popular - heehee), enjoys one on one time with each of her close friends. Her friend prefers to add on people to make a group and it's starting to wear on my girl. Just recently, my daughter and I took her friend to the pool to play and her friend left her to find more people to play with. My daughter followed suit but finally gave up. She just didn't want to chase after someone that was chasing after more.

This morning it's just going to be the four of us, but then, just yesterday, the mother asked if my daughter wanted to come over in the afternoon to play... "there is going to a whole group of kids". I said I'd ask my daughter if she wanted to. When I did, she said "I don't know" which we all know is kidspeak for "no".

So here I am, after a restless night's sleep, preparing myself for how I'm going to tell this mother that my daughter would rather not. This is the point where I usually blame it on myself "oh I need her to come home to practice piano or help me with chores" but I think I'm going to just tell her today. Tell her that the kids are growing apart and that my daughter and her friend have spent the morning together and that's enough. That I don't need to spend hours and hours of superficial time avoiding any deep relationship with "fun" and hordes of people.

How am I going to pull that off? What have I done?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

To Blog Or Not To Blog

A blog post a week is my goal. But I have nothing to say yet I feel that if I don't post something I'm going to loss the momentum of last week's 2 posts after many months of nothing. Does that make sense?

I'm uninspired. Well, to put it more plainly, I'm just tired. The last weekend of summer was filled with activities that put me right back in summer mode and it was really hard to get up this morning. Add to that standing on a playground blacktop for two hours at high noon and I'm wiped out. Doesn't sound like much, but believe me, you'd be tired too. Wasn't it supposed to be cool today?

I'm also confused at the moment... somewhere between, should I be angry and what am I supposed to be doing right now. See, it's even confusing to read, isn't it?

I think it's best if I just close down for the night, get some sleep, and see what I can come up with when the clouds in my brain clear. If my mind has sunny skies tomorrow, I will post again. If my thoughts are still foggy, well, there's always next week. Right?

Thursday, September 2, 2010

PS To My Last Post

No numbers this time. That would just make me mortified. My weight has gone up!
I'm exercising regularly. I'm eating better, if not right. Taking my vitamins; drinking my water. I have more stamina and energy. Christ, when I got on the scale tonight, I really thought it was going to be less than last time - NOT MORE!
Shit, for these numbers, I could have been eating pots of pasta and trays of cookies.
I'm at a loss. I'm going to bed.