Sunday, June 27, 2010


Here I am with so much time between this moment and my last post that I don't know where to start. Do I go back to where I left off? Do I just start fresh? Do I muse about things going on in my head or just talk in who's and what's and when's of things?
Do I go right or left at this stop sign? I need some directions but I don't have GPS.

I know I've been wanting to write. I know I've had a lot to say. About what? Well, the usually nothing, the daily complaining, the lashing out at the public at large, the need to vent, the want to ponder. And yet, this aimlessness has left me without a focus and therefore, I am at a loss for words. Not the best position to be in when sitting down to write.

OK. Let's try this. Last night was my high school reunion. I didn't go. No surprise there. I was too embarrassed by the weight... again. Photos were posted on Facebook today and it looks like everyone had a really good time. I'm sorry I missed it. Not sorry enough to have gone. But there's always next time. I'm pushing for a fall/winter event so I can be fully covered by clothes.

[Well, that topic didn't go anywhere. Let's try another.]

I've been thinking a lot about my future and even though I'm 43, I've been asking myself the question "What do I want to be when I grow up?" I know I want to leave my daughter with a legacy to be proud of. Something more than I was a good mother, though that's nothing at all to sneer at. I just want there to be more to me. At my age though, you tend to not allow yourself to hope for the big dreams...
  • I don't expect to ever sing in a Broadway musical... though I have stood center stage on not one but two Broadway stages - there was no audience, but it was still thrilling.
  • I don't expect to own a Manhattan penthouse facing the park... but I have been to Central Park. And if I ever save up the money, I can always stay at the Plaza - for one night.
  • I don't expect to run a multi-media empire like Martha Stewart... but if she puts her name on something, I'm bound to buy it.
These were dreams of mine. Some spoken, others kept secret, but they've all fallen by the wayside in the face of reality.

But, let's be perfectly honest here. I didn't work very hard at achieving any of them so unless they were going to fall into my lap, they were never going to happen. I suppose the trick is to dream the dreams and not get bogged down in trying to make them actually happen.

For me now, it's about creating a life for myself that I can be proud of and my family can prosper from. And I can watch my daughter dream her fantastic dreams of what she'll be when she grows up.

Well, that was a little better. Short, yes, but I'm just dipping my toes back in the water here after too long a break. Hopefully, I've set the ball in motion enough to get back to a semi-weekly post. I do so enjoy it ;-)