Thursday, April 15, 2010

I Just Want To Cry

I'm exhausted. I'm cringing. There is a knot in my neck and shoulders. I have stomach cramps. I just had a bout of diarrhea (this blog is supposed to be honest, right?) I am PMSing. My OCD and IBS are both at maximum overdrive and yet, I'm trying not to show it. My skin is crawling. I'm having trouble breathing. I'm on the verge of tears. I just want to go to bed and wake up from these past two months like it was all a dream.

"Bonnie what are you bitching about. You're getting a new kitchen and master bath, right? It's all worth it so just stop complaining."

Clearly, you can't begin to fathom what it's like to live in my brain. The amount of self restraint I've had to muster these 8 weeks has been astounding. I have had to live in a dust-filled, plastic covered, tool strewn construction zone with no privacy and no happy place for over 60 days. You try having strangers in your house all day everyday, coming and going, dragging in dirt and bags of McDonalds for 1 week and let me know how that works out for you. Then do it from the perspective of someone who can't live in chaos without getting heart palpitations. And then do it for 2 months!!

But I did it! I had a meltdown at the end of week #4; my husband bore the brunt of that one. And I haven't had one until today. Tomorrow A is supposed to be done. He even gave himself a 2pm finish time. I'm looking at everything and I'm seeing another week of work. I can't live like this another 24 hours; I'm coming out of my skin!

Is it beautiful? Yes. Do I love it? Yes. Have there been any major problems? No. Would I do it again for another project? Not if I have to live in the house while it's happening. I'm not strong enough to do this twice.

I own the fact that this is all on me. No one is making me lose my mind. It's just that this situation plus my mental make-up equals crazy lady.

Thought I couldn't get any deeper into the freakout pool?... I've invited guests for dinner tomorrow night. That's right, tomorrow night! And friends for lunch next week. And why don't we top the whole thing off with my daughter's Communion Weekend next weekend where we're going to host our immediate, all out-of-state, family of 35, several of whom I'm already anticipating will be inspecting my kitchen's every detail and commenting (that's a whole other post). Am I subconsciously trying to commit suicide? Because that's certainly what it sounds like.

I'd pray for strength, but I don't have the strength to. Best part about paddling my wooden rowboat in a lava river is that I can't figure out how to fix it. That's always been my forte - problem solving. I'm the person to call if you need a fire put out and here I am with my oars on fire. Talk about losing it!

It's supposed to be over by tomorrow. But then there is the clean-up and man is there a lot to clean up. And let's not forget dinner for 7. Somebody pinch me. This has all been some sugar induced late-night panic attack and I need to wake up!

Excuse me... my stomach is hurting again.


  1. I feel your pain. We did renovations last summer. It was nerve wracking to say the least. Sound like you're deserving of godd company but don't need the hassle of cooking. Got the number of a good delivery? Enjoy. I came by via Take Note.

  2. Thanks so much for stopping by Suzicate. I'd call delivery but after two months of takeout I can't stand it anymore ;-) I'll whip up something quick. Italian seems to fit the bill.

    Gavin, what can I say, "Thank you, my dear friend." I could use a hug about now.

    PS I was indisposed when A and team were cleaning up for the night. I asked my daughter to tell them that I was sorry but I wasn't feeling well and could they lock up behind themselves. A few hours later, A called to check in on me, concerned that I was in need of more help than an 8 year old could provide. Wasn't that sweet? I'm glad I chose my contractor not just on his abilities but on his "good guy" aura.

  3. God love ya, Bonnie. I couldn't handle that either - I get unhappy when workmen are in my house for 5 hours let alone a hundred years like they have been at your place. The lack of privacy! I always feel like I must be crazy before I have people over for dinner, too! You're going to get through this - and then you will love your new rooms for the next 20 years :D

    *Shooting Vibes of Fabulousness across the universe to you!*

  4. Joan Crawford, you are just too wonderful... "shooting vibes of fabulousness across the universe to you"! It's too wonderful!
    Ah, soaking it in... off to shower the day away and then straight to bed. It's way past my bedtime but I've only got appointment TV on one night a week ("Project Runway"). It was a wonderful distraction.

    Thank you all!!

  5. I had ALL My carpeting replaced last year. I will Never, Ever, do that again. I will move first.
    I feel your pain. (not the stomach pain, Thank God, but the rest)

    It'll be okay! Just remember to breathe!

  6. If I take too deep a breathe, Nancy, I may wind up inhaling drywall dust ;-)

    Surprise, Surprise, not finished today. Working through the weekend to get it done. We'll see.

  7. PS Was here from 1:30pm to 3pm today. In my next life, I'm going to be a contractor.

  8. Wow, woman! That's a TON of weight off your shoulders. I know you're in crazy lady mode as of now, but you need to know that we are all glad to know that you are still able to post a great blog in spite of PMS and a bout of back-door-trots. Seriously, I am laughing about the situation, not at you personally. You will too when all of your dust bunnies have settled long enough for you to vacuum them away ;)
    There's no way to even come close for me to understand how frazzled you've been. All I can do is wish you lots of happy vibes from afar.
    Welcome back, crazy lady Bonnie =)

  9. Wendy, I'm back and I've got crazy to spare ;-)

    Dinner tonight went off without a hitch. I whipped up some lasagna, our neighbors/friends brought dessert, the conversation was flowing because even though they live next door we never see each other, the kids played happily, and clean-up was a breeze. Wonderful! I know, I know. I freak out about stuff and then it's great, that's just who I am.

    Construction will continue through the weekend. Landscapers coming Monday, cleaning crew Tuesday, my regular cleaning lady Wednesday, I party prep Thursday, and my first guests arrive Friday. By Sunday morning, there will be 35 family members in my house and hopefully they will all be oohing and aahing. We'll see.

    Thank you Wendy for reminding me that even ranting I must always find the humor. If we don't laugh, we don't live.

    Good night dear friends. I'm beat.

  10. I'm not there and I am already oohing and aahing over the amount of effort and time you have put into everything. There are times when I drive myself to distraction over things that everyone else finds insignificant, only to find that all turned out well in the end. You've got nothing to fear, Bonnie. The hard stuff is past. Sit back and relax and enjoy the fruits of labor. And feel free to send your regular cleaning gal over to my place any time. I would LOVE that ;)
    Best of luck to you!

  11. Didn't finish yesterday; could have something to do with him not showing up until 1:30pm and leaving at 3pm.
    Showed up today at 3:30pm. Lovely. With his 9 year old son. Fantastic. Painted the bathroom until 7pm. No light fixture, no towel bars, no toilet repair, no window pane replacement (for the one they broke)... just painting.
    If he ever shows up tomorrow, I'm past the point of talking civily; I'm gonna rip him a new one (I've always wanted to say something tough like that).
    PS His landscaping crew was supposed to be here today. Surprise, surprise. No show. They are supposed to come tomorrow. I'm not holding my breath.