Thursday, March 4, 2010

Fiction Means Imaginary... I Didn't Imagine This (A Fictional Piece in Questions)

Why? That's it, pure and simple.

Why? Why would you treat me with such disrespect, distain, dislike when I've giving you no cause to do so? Why when you have been handed, on a platinum platter, everything good in your life, would you begrudge me what little I have? Has your lofty position so clouded your view? Do you not see me struggling to keep up and falling behind and yet you mock me for my fight and my failure? Why would you do that? What kind of person does that?

If I looked like you? If I lived like you? Would you treat me as your equal? If I was more attractive than you in your eyes? If I lived better than you in your opinion? Would you treat me as your superior? Is it so beneath you to look behind you?

How is it that you speak the virtues of free expression and individuality but only as long as they are the same as yours? How is it that your worldly lifestyle and vast education have left you with only one opinion? And how is it that you think so highly of yourself that you feel you are righteous is these thoughts with no room for improvement? Are we, the unworthy, damned to be forever in your shadow unless we subscribe to not only your ideas but your ideal?

Why do you discount me for being other than you, albeit less than you in your mind? Why is who am so distasteful that you dismiss me? Why do I embarrass you with my appearance? Do you not know that you disappoint me with your lack of character? Why is my simple lifestyle the subject of ridicule? And why do you think the life you fell into, not earned, not worked for, is a higher position to hold than one I labored for?

How dare you?! How dare you belittle me, ignore me, pretend I don't exist and all for what? So that you can feel better about yourself? So that you don't have to be reminded that at the end of the day we are cut from the same cloth? So that you can pretend you deserve to be who you have become in your own twisted fantasy?

And isn't it funny, almost tragic, that even though you have treated me like less than you, I still am proud of those things you have done on your own and have accomplished of your own talents and abilities? I stand here supporting you, offering guidance when asked (though I know you are only seeking confirmation of your own opinions), singing your praises when warranted; so why brush me aside?

Don't I have a right to feel good about myself? Should I be as embarrassed by me as you? Is that what you'd like me to think? Do I care? How could I not? The fact that you find me insignificant is not the issue, is it? It is that I am unable to free myself from your constant barrage of petty comments or turned backs; how could that not hurt? You won't stop, will you? Not even if I were to become your twin, you'd find a way to put yourself above me, wouldn't you? Never your superior, never your equal, not even giving me the right to be a separate individual; isn't that right?

Should I care? We all know that answer? Will it help to ignore how you feel about me? Perhaps? But I'm already struggling with my own demons, can't you just find it in you heart to give me a break? Must you pour salt in the wounds? Does it give me comfort to know that you are less in my eyes too? A little, but as your flaws are below the surface, I am the only one who sees them; too bad for me, right?

How long will I be angry? Will I find a way to forgive you? Will you even ask for forgiveness? Do you feel sorry for what you've said and done? Or do you just feel sorry for having to endure my existence in your life? It would be so easy for you if I could be taken out of the equation, wouldn't it? You've done it countless times before, not including me, not to mention, I've already removed myself due of my own self doubts - so why? Why edit me out when I'm not even a character in the play? Why discard me when I'm not even playing the game?

I'm exhausted... can I have that, at least? Can I have the right to not want to be just like you? Can I just be me? I Like Me!!!... and there's nothing wrong with that; or am I mistaken? Should I not like me either? Is this an elementary school playground? You don't like me, so I shouldn't like me? What the Hell is going on here?

Have I answered any of my own questions? I don't think so?

Fin

Writing an entire post in nothing but questions was harder than I would have first thought. I'm still not free of these feelings. I had hoped to release my angst on the page, but I may have to continue on this rant another time... though, not in questions ;-)

6 comments:

  1. How is it that you speak the virtues of free expression and individuality but only as long as they are the same as yours?

    Grr, that's so common - isn't it!? I am sorry this jerk is treating you so poorly. I am proud of you for not only loving yourself but liking yourself too. Without knowing her at all, my best guess is that she is fundamentally damaged. Something happened to her long ago that makes her base her worth on everything but who she actually is inside. It's sad and I would feel bad for her - except that she has no right to be a jerk! A lot of people had bad childhoods and came out as good people on the other end. You get back what you put out - you're projecting strength, acceptance and positivity...she, not so much.

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  2. I wish someone would answer some of those questions for me. Is it sad that I've given up on ever getting an answer? This was a really cool post btw...doing it all in questions. That would be hard. XD

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  3. If you had the answers to all of those questions then I think you'd be rich and be able to solve all of mankind's problems. Can't tell you how many times I've asked myself the same questions at one time or another. Maybe not in those exact words but in the same feelings. So good to know that though we are all different, we are also the same as far as emotions go. I only wish that posting this would've made you feel better instead of wanting to rant more. Feel free to purge out to us any time, Bonnie. We're listening =) Feel better soon!

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  4. Joan, how interesting that you would say my subject is a "she"... it is, well, actually a group of woman (always a composite of many people so as not to single anyone out), but I was concerned at one point that it may sound like I was talking about my husband. Did you all see a "she"?

    Gavin, a full question post was difficult but not impossible... you know I like to question things. Will I do it again? Probably not ;-) Don't give up on getting the answers. Let's question the universe as a team.

    Wendy, they're are some tough questions, aren't they? (Oops, I'm doing it again.) I just wish that people could see past themselves. In fact, my husband and I just now had a discussion about this same thing and both came to the realization that "these people" aren't necessarily being deliberately malicious. Their crimes are in not considering if their actions will hurt another. Self importance comes when you don't believe there in room for improvement. But like the old JellO slogan "there's always room for" improvement.

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  5. Yes, a little 'wiggle room' is all we ever need and so seldom receive. Now kindly pass me some of that Jell-O. Chocolate pudding if you please LOL!

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  6. That is weird, isn't it? I just felt that it was a woman. I find your thoughts to be universal. At least to me (gee, self-centered much, Joan?) and when I "felt out" what you were writing, I envisioned a woman. It never crossed my mind that it would be a man - to me, you were very clear.

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