Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Not Now, But Soon

Just back from a whirlwind four days in NJ with my family... my one sister's art show, my other sister's bridal shower, our annual Sister's Spa and Shopping Weekend that this year was a Sister's Show, Shower, & Spa weekend, the first annual Brother-in-Law Golf & Gambling Weekend in AC which is where my daughter and I ended our weekend with my husband... and where I got in the shopping I missed with the sisters.

Needless to say, I'm behind the clock; so far behind the clock. As my friend says, "I'm so far behind, I'm first." The kitchen is nearly done but last week hit a major snag in that my contractor didn't show for all but 4 hours of it. No work got done and I was ranting and raging but only had the energy to do it on Facebook.

Now, I've got a little less than a month to finish the kitchen, start/finish the bathroom, and prepare for my daughter's communion when the entire family will be here. UGH!

Thank you all for your patience. There is much to say and more to come ;-)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Eight Years Ago

Eight years ago tonight, I lay awake in a hospital room, alone and cold and wondering what the future would bring. I was scared and nervous, and I cried tears of panic, though silently, until I feel asleep from exhaustion.

But eight years ago tomorrow night, I was no longer alone or cold. I was too scared and nervous to wonder what the future would bring. And while another night found me crying silently, this time it was tears of joy mixed with exhaustion.

Tomorrow is my baby's birthday. My little girl, the center of my world, the one person who makes me want to be a better person, is turning 8.

Eight years ago tomorrow night, my life changed... and I can't imagine my life any other way.
And now I'm crying again ;-)

Saturday, March 6, 2010

I'm 43.

Today is my birthday... and I don't say this in hopes of being showered with Happy Birthday wishes. I say this because I need to say it out loud, hear it, have my world NOT coming crashing down around me, and know that "yeah, it's OK, 43 is OK".

Happy Birthday to me! 43! Bring it on, baby! ;-)

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Fiction Means Imaginary... I Didn't Imagine This (A Fictional Piece in Questions)

Why? That's it, pure and simple.

Why? Why would you treat me with such disrespect, distain, dislike when I've giving you no cause to do so? Why when you have been handed, on a platinum platter, everything good in your life, would you begrudge me what little I have? Has your lofty position so clouded your view? Do you not see me struggling to keep up and falling behind and yet you mock me for my fight and my failure? Why would you do that? What kind of person does that?

If I looked like you? If I lived like you? Would you treat me as your equal? If I was more attractive than you in your eyes? If I lived better than you in your opinion? Would you treat me as your superior? Is it so beneath you to look behind you?

How is it that you speak the virtues of free expression and individuality but only as long as they are the same as yours? How is it that your worldly lifestyle and vast education have left you with only one opinion? And how is it that you think so highly of yourself that you feel you are righteous is these thoughts with no room for improvement? Are we, the unworthy, damned to be forever in your shadow unless we subscribe to not only your ideas but your ideal?

Why do you discount me for being other than you, albeit less than you in your mind? Why is who am so distasteful that you dismiss me? Why do I embarrass you with my appearance? Do you not know that you disappoint me with your lack of character? Why is my simple lifestyle the subject of ridicule? And why do you think the life you fell into, not earned, not worked for, is a higher position to hold than one I labored for?

How dare you?! How dare you belittle me, ignore me, pretend I don't exist and all for what? So that you can feel better about yourself? So that you don't have to be reminded that at the end of the day we are cut from the same cloth? So that you can pretend you deserve to be who you have become in your own twisted fantasy?

And isn't it funny, almost tragic, that even though you have treated me like less than you, I still am proud of those things you have done on your own and have accomplished of your own talents and abilities? I stand here supporting you, offering guidance when asked (though I know you are only seeking confirmation of your own opinions), singing your praises when warranted; so why brush me aside?

Don't I have a right to feel good about myself? Should I be as embarrassed by me as you? Is that what you'd like me to think? Do I care? How could I not? The fact that you find me insignificant is not the issue, is it? It is that I am unable to free myself from your constant barrage of petty comments or turned backs; how could that not hurt? You won't stop, will you? Not even if I were to become your twin, you'd find a way to put yourself above me, wouldn't you? Never your superior, never your equal, not even giving me the right to be a separate individual; isn't that right?

Should I care? We all know that answer? Will it help to ignore how you feel about me? Perhaps? But I'm already struggling with my own demons, can't you just find it in you heart to give me a break? Must you pour salt in the wounds? Does it give me comfort to know that you are less in my eyes too? A little, but as your flaws are below the surface, I am the only one who sees them; too bad for me, right?

How long will I be angry? Will I find a way to forgive you? Will you even ask for forgiveness? Do you feel sorry for what you've said and done? Or do you just feel sorry for having to endure my existence in your life? It would be so easy for you if I could be taken out of the equation, wouldn't it? You've done it countless times before, not including me, not to mention, I've already removed myself due of my own self doubts - so why? Why edit me out when I'm not even a character in the play? Why discard me when I'm not even playing the game?

I'm exhausted... can I have that, at least? Can I have the right to not want to be just like you? Can I just be me? I Like Me!!!... and there's nothing wrong with that; or am I mistaken? Should I not like me either? Is this an elementary school playground? You don't like me, so I shouldn't like me? What the Hell is going on here?

Have I answered any of my own questions? I don't think so?

Fin

Writing an entire post in nothing but questions was harder than I would have first thought. I'm still not free of these feelings. I had hoped to release my angst on the page, but I may have to continue on this rant another time... though, not in questions ;-)

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

So Much To Catch-Up On I Hardly Know Where To Start

Wow! I have really let things go, haven't I. Rants got in the way of previously planned posts, I haven't told you word one about my new job (which is really not "new" anymore), and now I have little or no access to the computer on a regular basis so when I do feel the urge to purge, I can't do anything about it. Today, I'm taking advantage of a relatively task-free morning to play catch-up.

Let's first discuss the easy stuff... the renovations are going very smoothly. Clearing the air with A was the best thing I could have done. We both know where the other stands and it's freeing - guess my honesty post was right; how 'bout that? ;-) This week there is nothing noteworthy to tell you. Now that all the plumbing problems have been corrected, he's just putting the walls up... a task he says is the most boring of all. As for the dust, well, I've come to accept it [that's called growth my friends] and in a strange way, I find it a relief since it gives me an out on dusting altogether.

My job was a struggle at first but now I've really come to love and appreciate these kids. That's not to say that there aren't some days I don't feel like smacking a kid or two, but those days seem to be waning. In the beginning, I was really struck dumb by the difference in age between my still very young 2nd grader and the "mature" 4th graders. I use quotes because they are not at all mature but they think they are very old and cool. The subject matter they discussed on the playground was abhorrent and I voiced my concern to the guidance counselor who basically said, "If they're not killing each other, it's out of our hands." Well, maybe out of your hands, because you're staff but not out of mine. I'm a mother first, an employee second and I'm going to reprimand these kids like a mother to a child; with love and mutual respect and low strong tones. You know what, the kids took the bait. Not only do they show me (a bit) more respect than the other monitors who just yell at them or plead with them, they come to me for acceptance and guidance. It brings a smile to my face to just write this. There is still one 3rd grader who tests me. She's brought me to the yelling place where I lose my authority. But I was quick to correct myself and regain my position. I won't say our relationship will ever be warm and fuzzy... I'm kind of hoping she'll just be removed from the school (I'm not the only one she pushes). For the most part, it's a great way to get paid. I only wish it wasn't smack dab in the middle of the day; it's hard to get anything done.

I suppose any "catch-up" post should include how I'm doing on my diet and exercise. Ugh! I've been much better about what I eat and I exercise somewhat regularly. I'm not losing a thing but I feel better. Is that going to get me into a size 2 by month's end? Absolutely not! But if I feel better, possibly those good vibes will come out in photos and not my double chin or big belly ;-) I'm very uncomfortable having my picture taken with my sisters who are all tall and thin - I always look out of place. All those photo events are coming all too soon. It may not be enough time to lose a ton of weight, but if anyone has chin/neck exercises, please forward them immediately - hahaha.

I still have yet to write "In Support Of Sweating The Small Stuff" and "What Are YOU Bringing To The Table?" - a fictional piece. They're coming. Promise. I just don't have time now, I've got to get ready for work... see how that midday work schedule messes things up. I'm on a roll and have to stop? ;-)

Today is Wacky Tacky day at school. I like to play along but it's going to be difficult to find mismatched clothes when everything I own is black ;-) Off to change. Until next time friends, stay safe and well.